Favorite non-dirty words.

The English language is really quite fascinating.  It’s got a lot of stupid, arbitrary, ever-changing rules.  It’s also got lots of words that sound dirty that aren’t.  Got any to add?  Here’s just a partial list:

moist

exacerbate

rectify

penalize

masticate

angina

But my favorite non-dirty word of all?

Kumquat.

No silent H here.

It’s not “an historic event.”

It’s “a historic event.”

Stop trying to make me sound like a Brit.

Swearing is fucking beautiful, man!

English comic Frank Skinner is no stranger to the usage of  “dirty words” and has even defended swearing as a necessary part of comedy and language.  (As well he should – he’s absolutely right. )

Recently, however, he’s taken to removing swearing from his stand up act – not on moral grounds, he insists, but in an attempt to “freshen up” his act.  As a result of his experiment, he suddenly seems to have found a new appreciation for swearing, rather than a revulsion for it.  He told the BBC that he thought “there was now too much swearing on TV”.  OK, that doesn’t sound good, but he goes on to say that “I don’t want people using so much swearing that there’s a blanket ban because there won’t be then any room for the clever swearing – the beautiful, eloquent swearing.”

The old “less is more” adage.  I can agree with him to a point.  But, where do you draw the line, Frank?  Do you keep a staff of TV censors on hand to make sure that certain words aren’t uttered more than a certain quota?  Can you see these poor bastards, prepping the cast?  “OK, it says here you can only say ‘shit’ 4 times in the course of an hour, so you gotta keep track of that… oh, and try to keep the F-bomb to a minimum, too.”

Oh, but we’ll have to wait on that F-bomb.  According to a BBC article, “[a] poll for The Sunday Times found 30% of people believed the F-word should be banned while 55% thought the C-word should not be allowed. But 49% of the viewers said there should be a place for swearing on television.”

So fuck and cunt have no place on TV?  Those 2 little syllables, eh?  They’re enough, apparently, to keep sponsors and viewers away.  But other swear words, like “asshole” and “cocksucker”, apparently, do have a place on TV?

I know I’ve said this before, but isn’t this all rather ridiculous?  Certain syllables are OK while others are not?

Puttin’ the heat on Little Hitler.

Well, the language police are at it again.  This time, a little boy in New Jersey was denied a birthday cake when the ShopRite supermarket from which his mother ordered his cake refused to put his name on the cake.  The boy’s full legal name just happens to be Adolph Hitler Campbell.

Yeah, that’s a pretty fucked up name for a kid, especially when you consider the names of his siblings:  JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell.   You just can’t make this shit up!

Their lame-brained parents aren’t really racist, they say.  They don’t care if their kids hang out with blacks or other races.  They just thought it would be cool to name their kids uniquely.  I mean, who the hell else would dare to name their kid after the world’s most infamous Jew killer?

A spokesperson for ShopRite said that they “reserve the right not to print anything on the cake that we deem to be inappropriate.  We considered this inappropriate.”

The Campbells were able to get their cake at a nearby Wal-Mart, who, in light of all this press, are now questioning their policies about cake decorating.  They may soon instate a similar policy to ShopRite, which, basically, amounts to “if we or someone else might find it offensive, we won’t do it.”

Now, hold on here.  As strange as many might think it is to name your kids in such a way, there is no reason in the world why they shouldn’t be able to, and there is also no reason why they can’t go into a store and have their kid’s name put on a birthday cake.  Once again, this is about language, plain and simple.  Some people are just a little freaked out by certain words and, apparently, names.  (Remember all the neo-cons who just had to repeatedly remind everyone of Obama’s middle name?)  What is it, exactly, that is “inappropriate” about this kid’s name?  I mean, really?  OK, he has the same name as the guy who masterminded the murder of millions of Jews.  I suppose that is unfortunate, depending on your politics, but does that mean that somehow Little Hitler is guilty of some crime by association?  I mean, do all the Mark Chapmans of the world go around plotting assassinations because they happen to share the name of the wacko who killed John Lennon?   Of course not.

But, of course, there is the argument that a private business can refuse service on any grounds to any person for any reason (within the law, of course).  Point taken, fine – but my whole point is about the uptightedness of these business owners, and of people in general.  Let’s stop worrying about words, and worry more about intentions.  This family just wanted a cake with their kid’s name on it.   I don’t know about you, but I am holding out hope that I still live in a free country.  So, instead of having these knee-jerk, emotional reactions, can’t we all just agree to be civilized adults and leave language alone??

Same old song and dance.

A friend was recently at a memorial service in a Catholic church, and happened upon a stack of memos next to the piano which read as follows (a copy of which she gleefully stole for me!):

On August 8, 2008, Bishop Arthur J. Serratelli of Paterson, N.J., chairman of the U.S. bishops’ Committee on Divine Worship, announced a new Vatican directive regarding the use of the name of God in the sacred liturgy.  Specifically, the word “Yahweh” may no longer be “used or pronounced” in songs and prayers during liturgical celebrations.

This directive affects the following songs currently included in OCP’s various missal programs:

“I Lift Up My Soul” by Tim Manion
“Let the King of Glory Come” by Michael Joncas
“Me Alegre” by Carlos Rosas
“Sing a New Song” by Dan Schutte
“The Lord is King” by Rory Cooney
“You Are Near” by Dan Schutte
“Yahweh” by Gregory Norbet/Weston Priory

Unfortunately, at the time the directive was announced, the 2009 editions of these books had already been printed and, in many cases, shipped.  The 2010 editions will include revised versions of the songs with updated texts.

The memo went on to include links to PDF versions of the updated songs that could be downloaded and reproduced, etc. etc.

OK, it sounds to me like there’s some real bullshit going on here.

First of all, talk about inefficiency.  Couldn’t the clowns in big hats at the Vatican make these decisions before they went to press on the songbooks?

So, the gripe is with the word “Yahweh”.   According to Catholic Culture, “[t]he Vatican has ruled that the Name of God, commonly rendered as ‘Yahweh,’ should not be pronounced in the Catholic liturgy.”

What’s the deal?  According to Wikipedia, “Yahweh is the English rendering of יַהְוֶה, a proposed vocalization of the Tetragrammaton יהוה as it appears in the Hebrew Bible. It is commonly subordinated into the title ‘God’ in popular bibles, or the Tetragrammaton translated as ‘JHVH’‘ Jehovah’ both of which remain commonly disputed.”

OK, so it’s just a fucking word.  Right?  Oh no.  “Modern observant Jews no longer voice the name יַהְוֶה aloud. It is believed to be too sacred to be uttered and is often referred to as the ‘Ineffable’, ‘Unutterable’ or ‘Distinctive Name’.”

What?  So there are some words that shouldn’t be said aloud?  Like “Fire!” in a crowded theatre?

So, what does this strange, superstitious Jewish tradition have to do with Catholic liturgy?  Well, apparently, the practice of pronouncing the Tetragrammaton has “crept in”, somehow to Catholic worship.  They make it sound like some nasty viral infection or something.  (Catholic Culture won’t tell me, but I’ll bet you anything it was those damned freethinkers among the Catholics who introduced this practice.)

Once again, religion and all of its paranoia and superstition has descended upon language – which is just the utterance of certain syllables – and, this time, taken aim at its own.  It’s bad enough when the devout are always saying things like “Jeezum Crow!” or “Holy cow!” and inviting us secular heathens to do the same, lest we might offend someone or – gasp! – take the lord’s name in vain!!!! – but it’s even funnier when, within their own ranks, there is all of this dispute about how, specifically, to sing praises to their invisible daddy.

My question is – does it really matter whether or not Catholics sing Yahweh at Mass?  I mean, what is this really about?  I suspect it has to do with reverence or honor of Biblical “history” (if you can call it that) and even more to do with just another way to exert some sense of authority and control over the devout.  All of these little directives only serve to erode the individual’s sense of autonomy and sovereignty, little by little, and mold each individual into the homogenous lump of servile Catholic humanity.   I know that sounds big and scary – but then, so is the Catholic religion.