Eddie and the Jets.

September 27, 2009

This is news?

FLORHAM PARK, N.J. (AP) — Fireman Ed has something new to cheer about.

OK, then, let’s hear it.

The Jets’ most famous fan received a game ball from coach Rex Ryan during the team meeting Friday for helping lead a raucous Meadowlands crowd during New York’s 16-9 win over New England last Sunday.

Big deal.

“On behalf of the fans and representing the fans, we gave him a game ball,” Ryan said. “There’s two, actually, one in our trophy case and we gave him the other one. He does a great job.”

A great job doing what?  Getting drunk and screaming at football games?

Ed Anzalone, a New York City firefighter, has been coming to every Jets home game for years, wearing a fire helmet and leading the “J-E-T-S! Jets! Jets! Jets!” cheer.

Wow, what an accomplishment.  That’s right up there with finding a cure for cancer.  Imagine looking back at your life and saying, “Yeah, I spent thousands of dollars and hours so I could go and scream and freeze my ass off and watch grown men run around a football field.

“That’s really the first time I’d ever seen him,” Ryan said. “When I was here before as a visitor, I kind of blocked everything out and never really noticed him.

That’s because you were too busy screaming YOUR fucking head off to notice one of just thousands of all-American schmucks in the stands with no identity of their own – which is why they watch sports to begin with!

It’s hard not to notice him when you’re standing on the sideline and he’s getting the fans going and everything else.”

Yeah, because he’s so much more obnoxious than the rest of them.

Ryan sent a voicemail message to season ticket holders last week, urging the fans to make things “miserable” for Tom Brady and the Patriots.

That’s nice.  Isn’t that like both sides in a war invoking their dickless deities to help them win? Or like that pray-for-rain asshole during the DNC last year?

The fans answered that call, and after the victory, Ryan said they were the difference in the team beating New England at the Meadowlands for the first time since 2000.

Let’s win this one for the gipper skipper burger-flipper day-tripper pants-shitter!

“He wasn’t the only fan you would notice, but I don’t know the names of everybody else,” Ryan said. “I’m sure there was Fireman Joe and everybody else out there.

Yeah, along with Machinist Mike and Cabbie Louie and Pizza Man Pete and Drunk Dan and that crazy bitch LuAnn from the office who has football shit all over her cubicle.  You know who I mean.

It was great because they’re our fans and we decided it was a little token of our appreciation to give him a game ball.”

And I’m glad to see that a man with such a huge responsibility as coaching an NFL franchise holds similar command of the English language.

Anzalone was also able to briefly address the men he cheers for.

I wonder if it went something like this: “Um, wow, hey man, can I get a picture with you guys?  Oh wow, this is great, um.  Greatest day of my life.  Other than the birth of my son.”

“He was great,” Ryan said. “He was all fired up. He’s expecting a lot of wins, as are our fans, and he said this is only the start and our guys understand that.”

“Yeah, so we’re gonna keep coming and pouring money into this franchise that makes millionaires out of guys like you so that losers like us can live vicariously through your steroid-ridden lives.”

Anzalone, who usually wears a No. 42 Bruce Harper jersey to games, was included in the Pro Football Hall of Fame’s Hall of Fans in 1999.

I can’t believe there actually is such a thing.

“Their passion is as great as mine is,” Anzalone told the team’s Web site of Jets fans. “There’s no difference. I’m just blessed to be able to lead the orchestra, to get them crazy.”

Yeah, there’s a difference.  The players get crazy money and fly girls, and all you get is a game ball, a sore throat and a hangover.  And “lead the orchestra”?  Listen buddy, if you’re going to compare drunken rabble-rousing with the swing of the maestro’s baton, then I have a suggestion as to where you can display your new game ball.

Five rings of bullshit.

August 12, 2008

I used to love the Olympics as a child. I would stare at the TV, transfixed by the gathering of all nations in a friendly competition intended to melt all borders, barriers and beefs between the world’s people. Kum Ba Yah, baby!

But the media (as usual) have ruined it for me. They say it’s not political but, of course, they just HAD to pan over Dubya’s reaction to Iraq’s entry into the Parade of Nations during the opening ceremony. I don’t know about you, but I’m trying to forget about all that shit for a while. And if it’s really about the gathering of the world’s athletes, then why do they HAVE to focus so microscopically on the American athletes? Oh, some Australian dude broke a world record in swimming? If he’s not American and his name isn’t Michael Phelps, who cares? And by the way – the American’s just got 12th place in pig shaving! Quick – pan to the proud parents while some gold medalist from some other country other than the U. S. of A. talks to the nice reporter from the BBC, who actually give a damn about the true spirit of the Olympics.

I know, I know, Sullivan’s world record was beat by, well, um, Phelps. The following day. But you get my point. Phelps himself said that the media are the ones making a big deal out of him and all he is doing is “swimming fast.”

Turn the TV off, people. Besides – all these American Olympians are headed for one of the following:

1. Teaching other rich people’s kids how to swim (or run or row or…)

2. A job with ESPN, NBC, or some other sports affiliate.

3. Living off endorsement money.

4. Public speaking.

5. Waking up and realizing that, shit, I gotta stop inspiring the world and get a real job.

Knee jerk.

June 19, 2008

There is war in Iraq; there are thousands of people displaced by floods and earthquakes. So to what did the talking heads on the national news devote precious airtime last night?

Tiger Woods’ fucking knee surgery.

Honestly, does anyone really give a shit about this, other than Tiger and his immediate family and friends? Obviously I don’t wish the guy any harm – but do we really need, as a nation, to hear about it?

It reminds me of back in the 80s, when I was a kid watching Live Aid and I was SO excited to see U2’s performance – which was then interrupted by news of Ronald Reagan’s colon polyps, reported in excruciating detail. Two words – justifiable homicide.

And anyway, golf is a bullshit “sport” anyway. Sure, I used to go the driving range as a teenager and whack at a bucket of balls, but to devote thousands of acres of prime real estate and even more countless thousands of dollars to the hitting and following and hitting again and following again of some little white ball? Elitist, pompous, self-important white-guy bullshit.