I’ve been silent too long.

September 20, 2012

Well, faithful readers… I’m back.

It’s been too long.  There is too much bullshit going on that needs to be addressed.  I’ve been remiss in doing my part, as Hitch put it, to destroy the enemies of civilization.

Stay tuned for more vitriol, more reason — and, I hope, more pursuit of truth, wherever that path may lead me.

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Truth in adverse-tising.

January 7, 2010

Commercials.  They really, really suck.  They loudly disrupt our television viewing and they subliminally suggest to all of us what we need to purchase so that we can be whole, happy, and not suck any longer.  We are constantly bombarded with images of cookies, razors, jeans, candy bars, investment banks, and so on.  But you know, there are some products we, strangely enough, don’t ever see ads for on TV.  Here are a few examples:

1.  String.  (Steven Wright has famously opined on this, so I won’t belabor the point.)

2.  Douche.   (Do women even use this shit anymore?)

3.  Canned tomatoes.  (Not spaghetti sauce, not pizza sauce – I’m talking good ol’ diced tomatoes.  A staple in any decent kitchen cupboard.)

4.  Knitting needles.  (There are lots of old women and hippie dippies making their own sweaters and shit.)

5.  Fingernail clippers.  (We all use ’em – well, except maybe this woman.)

6.  Dog leashes.  (Some dogs are pretty fuckin’ strong.)

7.  Sandpaper.  (There’s good sandpaper, and then there’s cheap-ass-eats-through-quickly-and-ruins-your-fingers sandpaper.)

8.  Towels.  (Think of all those nauseating ads for toilet paper.  What about towels, the softness of which we so deserve and should demand?)

Are there some products that simply don’t need to be advertised?  Products whose manufacturers have cornered their particular market and now nothing more needs to be said about them?  Why, then, must we be subjected to ads extolling the virtues of mountain fresh Clorox bleach?

Let me know which products you think are strangely absent from Commercial Land.  Go get a life – but keep reading this blog!

Bah hum-turkey.

November 26, 2009

What a bullshit holiday. Yeah, let’s all celebrate the fact that a bunch of Brits came over on a boat, sweet-talked the Native people who were already here, had these Natives share some food and agricultural secrets with them, and in return butchered their men, raped their women, enslaved their children, took their land and infected them with smallpox and syphilis. Yeah, happy fucking turkey day.

And while we’re at it, let’s see if we can manage to kill anyone else this Black Friday.

Roger, Roger!

October 24, 2009

Ah… another dispatch from the “Euphemism Sucks” department:

MINNEAPOLIS, Oct. 22 (UPI) — The pilots of a Northwest Airlines flight that overshot its destination by 150 miles told colleagues they lost “situational awareness,” U.S. officials said.

Huh?

The plane was out of radio contact with air traffic controllers for 78 minutes during the flight from San Diego to the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport Wednesday night, The Wall Street Journal reported. The plane landed safely after controllers re-established contact.

Great!  Glad they’re doin’ just fine.  What’s the beef?

The National Transportation Safety Board said the cockpit crew told other pilots they became involved in a “heated discussion over airline policy and they lost situational awareness.”

Wait… doesn’t that mean “they were all complaining about their bosses and then got fucking lost”?  Who says shit like this?  “Situational awareness”?  George Carlin is probably spinning in his grave:

The NTSB is also investigating the possibility the pilots nodded off during the flight.

Well, THAT’S reassuring.

Pilot distraction and fatigue has been an issue since a Colgan Air commuter plane crashed into a house near the Buffalo airport in February, killing everyone on board and one man on the ground.

Well, yeah, that sucks.

Hearings on the crash have shown both pilots of that plane were probably tired and cockpit recordings show they were chatting during their approach to the airport.

That’s it – no more talking on the job – especially about airline policy, you disgruntled, over-worked fuckers!

The pilots of the Northwest flight have been relieved from flying while the NTSB and other agencies investigate their error.

Now they have even more to bitch about in regards to airline policy.

If only they could have been as engaged in their work as these gentlemen:

Egg suckin’ dog.

August 30, 2009

The first person that ate an egg?  That guy was a sick, twisted fuck.  “Yeah, that object that just came out of a chicken’s ass?  I’m gonna eat that.”

Speaking of eggs, long live Johnny Cash.

So, I spent 165 precious minutes watching “The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button” last night, and let me tell you folks, you can take it right out of your Netflix queue right now.

With all due respect to F. Scott Fitzgerald, let me sum it up for you – have you seen Forrest Gump?

Yes?  Good, then you’ve already seen a movie about some fucked up kid from the South who was wandering around aimlessly in life during some of history’s most pivotal moments, whose mother rattled off equally trite and annoying Hallmark sentiments, and who loved some douche-bag of a girl who didn’t deserve his affections.

No, you haven’t seen The Gump?  Then I envy you.

Just go rent something else, anything else.

Gone to the dogs.

August 16, 2009

Can someone please explain the reasoning and logic behind the idea of inviting an animal to live in one’s home?

Let me get this straight – millions of human beings have animals living in their homes – animals who will willfully destroy said humans’ property, who shit, piss, puke and sleep all over said humans’ flooring.  Dogs, cats, rabbits, mice, rats, snakes, lizards – you name it.  I just don’t get it.

Hey, I find puppies and kittens as cute as anyone else with half a heart.  But to invite one of these monsters to LIVE in my house?  Shit on my old newspapers?  Eat processed food from a bowl on the floor?  I can’t imagine it.

I grew up with animals in my house, and you know what?  The dogs and cats would shit and piss and puke all over the house.  Except in one place – my bedroom.  Wanna know why?  Because I kept my bedroom door shut at all times.  Keep the fuckers out.

But I LOVE animals.  In fact, I love them so much that I don’t even eat them or anything that comes from them.  And I also love them so much that I don’t want to keep them domesticated or enslaved in any way, including for companionship.  Why would I want, for instance, to keep a bird in a cage in my house?  Because he has pretty feathers, or because he can whistle a tune on command?  That’s so fucking selfish.

Pet owners – make your case.  Are you really willing to put up with the smell of ass for the sake of some Pavlovian loyalty?  And don’t compare dogs and cats to children or I will bitch-slap you.