OK, I have completely had it with the swine flu bullshit.

I’ve got 2 words for all you Chickens Little –  WEST NILE.

Remember West Nile?  How everyone was terrified to get bitten by a friggin’ mosquito?  I was working with a woman at that time who was so terrified of it to the point where I was hoping she would get it and drop dead so I wouldn’t have to listen to her hysterical hypochondria anymore.  I remember telling her, “Listen, I got bitten by about 10 mosquitoes before work this morning.  Chill out.”

How about Avian bird flu?  Don’t eat the chicken?  Or hanta mouse shit virus?

I read in my local newspaper this morning about “4 Tips To Protect Yourself From Swine Flu.”  You know what they were?

1.  Cough or sneeze into your sleeve.

OK, anyone who doesn’t already do this as a simple matter of habit and/or common sense deserves what they get.

2.  Wash your hands often.

Ditto.  And wash your stupid face while you’re at it, too.

3.  Avoid contact with sick people.

No shit!  Really?  I thought it was OK to snog with someone with a face full of mucus.  Ooops.  My bad.

4.  If you become sick, stay home from school or work to avoid spreading germs.

Honestly, do we really need to remind ourselves and each other of this kind of stuff?  Shouldn’t this all be shit we’re already doing already?

You can be sure of one thing, though – the HMOs, the pharmaceutical companies, and the manufacturers of all things antibacterial are making a fucking mint off this thing.

Up here in Maine, there will be a legislative session on April 28th to deal with a bill that would legalize gay marriage in this state.  There was a big hearing this week at the Augusta Civic Center, where supporters of the bill were all dressed in red (to symbolize love?  out for blood? who knows..).

On the local news after the hearing, I heard an old man step up to the microphone and say, “Well, I don’t mean any harm to these people, but, no.. marriage is for a man and a woman.”

I know I’ve written about this before, but I really can’t understand the logic of not allowing gays the right to marry.

Would someone please logically explain to me why gay people shouldn’t be able to marry one another.  Don’t say it’s because they can’t procreate.  Fuck that argument.  That would be akin to telling post-menopausal women, women who have had hysterectomies, and any and all infertile heterosexuals that they can’t get married, either.   So that argument is out the window.

So, it’s because the bible says it’s wrong?  Some friggin’ book? Where does it actually say that?  I think that whole bit in Leviticus is taken out of context.  Think about it.  When those words were scribed, disease was rampant – personal hygiene was nearly impossible in the searing hot desert, with everyone living in close quarters with other humans, with animals, with unrefrigerated meat.  Anal sex was frowned on, as was eating the flesh of certain animals – not because, I don’t think, because of any moral implications, but simply because it was literally unclean.  They were trying to preserve human life by cutting down on the spread of disease as much as they could.  Makes sense.  So, in the sanitized 21st century, I think we can safely do without the puritanical witch-hunts.  Another argument fucked!

Some say it makes a mockery of the institution of marriage.  And how, exactly, does this occur?  How does the gay couple, paying their taxes and cleaning the garage and mowing the lawn and having sex and eating dinner and watching TV, living next door to a straight couple doing all the same shit make a bit of difference to the institution of marriage?  Oh yeah, the “building block of civilization” argument.  Hey, not everyone gets married just to have kids.  Some people get married because *GASP* they love each other and want to build a life together, in whatever form that takes.  Some have kids.  Some don’t.  Some work together.  Some start a business together.  Some love their pets.  I don’t need to belabor the point.  The institution of marriage is different for every married couple.  So fuck that argument, too.

And let’s drop the “gay agenda” and “recruitment” arguments, too.  If anyone has an agenda, it’s the religious nutcases, who want have a monopoly on all things pertaining to human sexuality and morality – basically, they wanna control your every movement and tell you what to think and when to think it, in exchange for a tenth of your income.  Talk about an agenda!

And definitely FUCK the argument that says, “We gotta keep the gays away from kids, because they’ll molest them.”  If I could legally put bullets in the heads of the assholes who believe this kind of shit, I might consider it.

Let’s be honest – it’s all about genitalia, isn’t it?  Come on now.  Penises and pussies.  That’s what this WHOLE friggin’ debate is about – what are people doing with their genitals?  Bunch of fucking voyeurs that we are.  I can’t imagine a more grotesque invasion of privacy than a collective, societal fixation on the goings-on of the individual human’s genitalia.  You, opponent of gay marriage, say you can’t understand how one man could want to fuck another man?  Well, they just as equally can’t understand why you would wanna fuck some woman.  Me, I don’t give two shits about what Adam and Bruce are doing next door in their bedroom.  Why should anyone give a damn?  It’s their business, not anyone else’s.

What should we uphold – a committed gay relationship, or a couple of drunk straight twenty-somethings who get married on a whim by an Elvis impersonator in Vegas?  I mean, come on.

Shit, let ’em marry.  Then they can grow to resent one another, withhold sex and be miserable like all the other married people I know.

I live in the idyllic setting of northern New England, where crystal clear bodies of water and serpentine rivers rest beneath snow-capped mountain peaks and dense forests.  This setting, of course, brings all kinds of tourists to the area, and the particular region in which I reside enjoys a certain year-round tourist appeal – skiing in the winter; hiking, boating, etc. in the spring and summer; leaf peeping in the fall.  But the one tourist-driven activity that seems to dominate all others is shopping – shop ’til you freakin’ drop!  In neighboring New Hampshire, where there is no sales tax, villages swell with the sprawl of outlet stores, strip malls, five and dimes, T-shirt emporiums, and all other assortment of purveyors of “stuff”.

While driving through one such town in New Hampshire recently, I was struck by the existence of a store called Mattress Giant.  I find it astounding that there is enough of a mattress market that there are stores all over this country – including in rural New Hampshire – that are open for hours each day, selling mattresses. Who are these people who are going out in droves each day and buying mattresses?  Of all things!  Are people really wearing out their old mattresses quickly enough and in enough numbers that would warrant an entire chain of stores called MATTRESS GIANT?

Is it just me, or this is just plain weird?

Ever read Everyone Poops by Taro Gomi as a kid?  Or to your own kids?  Well, whether you have or haven’t, enjoy this silly little laugh to brighten your day, or perhaps to knock you off of your self-made pedestal – it’s simply a reminder that you are all full of shit.

So, this is it folks – the high point of the Christian calendar year – both the pinnacle and foundation of the Christian faith itself.  Easter Sunday.  That day where we all pause and reflect on the anguish of that one man 2000+ years ago, and the miracle of his rising victorious even over that which we mere mortals can only hope to conquer.

Oh yeah, and kids eat a lot of fucking candy and adults eat lots of ham and those people who begrudgingly go to church twice a year dust off their suits and pastel dresses and wipe the chocolate off the kids’ faces and go do their church duty.  Some of those kids even get a cute little pet bunny which they will, most likely, end up hating and giving away to someone else or releasing into the woods behind their house or just merely allow to starve to death in the garage.  Spoiled little brats.

You know what I’ve never fully understood about Easter?  The way in which it is observed.  Sure, I can understand the parallel between the alleged resurrection and the rebirth of life in spring time.  But… to observe the very underpinnings of the Christian faith on the first Sunday after the first full moon after the vernal equinox?  How much more pagan can you get than that?   I know, I know, the reason that this and the Christmas holiday are observed the way they are has its historical roots in smoking out the wiccans and pagans and bringing them over to the Good News side of things.  But I mean, come on… you’ve got all these biblical scholars and theologians and the like that have studied this shit for centuries and you mean to tell me that they don’t know exactly when this great miracle of Jesus’s resurrection actually took place?  They can’t even get a rough idea?

Hmm… maybe that’s because it’s all a myth – a really nice story that makes some people feel better about themselves and about the apparent meaninglessness of our random existence – a myth that parallels nicely with the real miracle that is the vernal equinox, the constant struggle of life against death – and how, for instance, up through the cracks in a city sidewalk, little green shoots still find the sun, still find what they need to survive, thrive, and keep returning, year after year.  To me, this is a much more reverent and much more beautiful image upon which to meditate than some martyr being nailed to a couple of logs.

Enjoy this photo, taken from my favorite website of the week.  And Happy Spring, you infidels!!