I’d bet my left arm that the arsonist who burned down the Grand View Coffee Shop was in the crowd at Monday night’s special town meeting in Vassalboro, Maine.  At the meeting, residents voted overwhelmingly to restrict new adult businesses in their quaint little town.  Some folks even wanted an outright ban on adult businesses – but the town warned all those holier-than-thou folks that such an ordinance could leave the town vulnerable to lawsuits.  Gotta guard that precious tax revenue, after all.

I bet all those nearly 400 people who voted in favor of the new ordinance felt so good about themselves: “We’ll teach that no good Crabtree not to bring immorality and indecency to our little town.”  Yeah, torch his business and then make a new rule.  Nah nah n-nah nah, middle finger extended, yada yada…

Oh, but wait – it gets better.

The town’s selectmen have already decided that Crabtree’s business, if and when he rebuilds, would be grandfathered – so long as he builds just what he had before, which was your average, run-of-the-mill topless coffee and donut shop.

Take THAT, you pious nosy fuckers!

So, let me get this straight – these prudish wackos have made a new rule that will basically help Crabtree’s business – he will have a monopoly, however small, in his town on adult-oriented business.  This will actually make his business even more unique and desirable – and, as a result, it will bring even more of these immoral riff raff types into the town who enjoy coffee like they enjoy their women – with boobs.

The crazy thing is if the waitstaff at the Grand View were male, we wouldn’t be having this discussion.  At all.  What the fuck is up with that?

So, some asshole burned down the Grand View Coffee Shop.


Owner Donald Crabtree had just been before the local planning board that very evening to seek approval for expanding his business into a full-on strip club, but was rudely awakened – literally and figuratively – by the vengeful flames that completed destroyed his business at 1:00 a.m. on Wednesday.

What do you want to bet that the arsonist is some religious nutcase who thinks that women ought to be barefoot, pregnant and demure and that this type of blatant immorality is a slap in god’s face and is harmful to our children and is the downfall of civilization and is a sign of the end times and blah blah blah…?

Mr. Crabtree says he intends to rebuild.  I say good for him.  People are always going to like coffee and doughnuts, but what is also true – and what the pious flock need to get through their brainwashed little pea-brain noggins – is that people like to look at bare breasts, too.

More jugs and java.

May 26, 2009

This just in – police are hot on the trail of a waitress who was caught in her work uniform outside of the Grand View Topless Coffee Shop.  Apparently, the woman was seen outside of the shop – GASP! – not wearing a top.

Am I missing something here?  What’s there to investigate?  The woman works at the Grand View, so obviously that means she doesn’t wear a top.   Hence the TOPLESS part of TOPLESS COFFEE SHOP.  So she stepped outside for a moment.  Does the D.A. really need to get involved with this?  The report reads, “A state trooper was sent to investigate.”  Yeah, and I’m sure he was loath to the task, too.

So, it’s OK to be topless indoors (as well it should) but not outside?  Men enjoy the right to walk around in public without a shirt.  Why not women?  Seriously, why not women? Aren’t the six-pack abs or shapely pecs on a man as much of a turn-on as a pair of women’s breasts?  Call me stupid, but I really don’t understand why we are so prudish in this society.

Jugs and java!

January 8, 2009

Well, my beloved state is in the news again, and this time, it’s juicy as hell!

Donald Crabtree of Ellsworth, Maine, wants to convert Vassalboro’s old Grand View Motel into – get this – a topless coffee shop!

Of course, public opinion in the small town is polarized, with some saying outrageous things like, “Well, my daughter catches the bus down the street from there, so I think it’s a bad idea” and others saying things like, “Who cares?  We all need to make a living.”

Seriously, though, why do these prudish small-town people think that this “sort of place” would attract “the wrong crowd”?  I don’t know of too many straight men who don’t enjoy looking at a nice rack.  Aren’t we all, then, surrounded by “the wrong crowd”?  Why not give this “crowd” a place to congregate and drink – of all things – coffee?

But, at the moment, Crabtree is in luck, because the planning board unanimously approved the proposal.

I just hope they come up with a cute name for the place.

Like Jugs ‘n’ Java.

Or Hoes ‘n’ Joe.

Or Bean Brew ‘n’ Boobs.

I can just hear the men of Vassalboro now:  “Sure, honey, I don’t mind running into town and getting you a coffee.”