While watching the mind-numbing goodness of prime-time network television the other night, I was struck by one of many ads for pills that will release men (and women) from the embarrassing bonds of erectile dysfunction.  We’ve all heard and seen these ads repeatedly unless, of course, you are a granola-eating backpacker who has eschewed the modernity and soul-sucking nature of television and, hell, technology in general – in which case, you’re likely not even reading this to begin with – so in that case, to hell with you.  You don’t know what you’re missing!  Literally!

Anyway, as I was saying, I actually chose to stay right where I was in front of the television and view this commercial, during which The Nice Man said things like “Talk to your doctor if you experience an erection lasting longer than 4 hours.”  Can you even imagine this conversation?

Guy:  Excuse me, doc, I gotta talk to you.

Doc:  Go ahead, son.  (He’s an old doctor who calls everyone “son”.)

Guy:  Well, I’ve got this problem with my, well…

Doc:  Have you tried the Viagra sample I sent home with you last time?

Guy:  Yeah, that’s just it, though.  My erection lasted, well…

Doc:  (leans in closer) Yes..?

Guy:  It lasted longer than 4 hours.

Doc:  Oh, I see.

Seriously, folks, what needs to be said here?  What can the doctor say?  “Well, ask her if she’s still in the mood”?  “Hire a hooker”?  “Call your kids’ babysitter”?  What’s the problem here?  Sounds like a party waiting – BEGGING – to happen!

But the thing that The Nice Man says in the ad that tickles me the most, the statement that prompted this post, is this one:

“Ask if you are healthy enough for sexual activity.”

Is this a question that ANYONE in the history of the human species, especially the MALES of this species, have ever even ONCE imagined, let alone asked of themselves or of anyone?

Forget the conversation with good ol’ doc.  He’ll tell you to eat right and exercise, right?  Sounds like a hot date to me!  But imagine that conversation with self:

Ego:  Am I healthy enough for sexual activity?

Id:  Fuck the girl fuck the girl fuck the girl

Super Ego:  Is my heart not strong enough for this?  Am I in prime physical shape?

Id:  Fuck the girl fuck the girl fuck the girl

Which voice wins?  You got it.  The good ol’ Id.  Thanks, William Golding.

Fucking is natural and fun and unstoppable and NO one gives a shit whether their heart is about to explode or not when they’re horny.

So, next time you see a Viagra ad on TV, just have a nice laugh at The Nice Man.  Sounds like he needs a pill or two of something stronger than they serve in the ad agency’s minibar.

I bet they thought they were being so cute.

They say there is a little truth in every joke, so whether the Phoenixville Baptists were joshing or not, well, you know what’s up.

judge

Victory for lovers of boobs and bean juice the world over – Donald Crabtree was granted permission on Tuesday night to rebuild his controversial Grand View Coffee Shop.

The Vassalboro town planning board gave it the A-OK.  And I say good for him.  He’s been handed a few conditions that he must meet to satisfy the town officials, but folks – jugs and java are still a go for this rural Maine town.

So sit back, relax with a cup of joe, and say “Hell yeah!”

And now if we could just find the bastard who burned the place down and string him up by his balls.  Because you know it was some religious nutcase guy who is so brainwashed by the church that he actually believes some invisible man in the sky gives a shit about whether or not you look at naked boobies while you drink coffee and eat donuts.

You just can’t make this shit up.

Here is a brilliant piece of comedy from That Mitchell and Webb Look, that award-winning British comedy team.

Question is – what will YOU do when you’ve seen the unholy fruit?  Rape and pillage? Murder?  Hire a prostitute?

Enjoy, you heathens!