Egg suckin’ dog.

August 30, 2009

The first person that ate an egg?  That guy was a sick, twisted fuck.  “Yeah, that object that just came out of a chicken’s ass?  I’m gonna eat that.”

Speaking of eggs, long live Johnny Cash.

I have a new hero.

August 26, 2009

And his name is Brad.

This piece of brilliance more than makes up for his suck ass movie.

Anyone who is screaming about how a national health care system would lead to communist/socialist rule and is sending their kids to public school can go fuck themselves.

Anyone who complains that a national health care system would mean too much government interference in people’s lives and yet is opposed to legalizing gay marriage can go fuck themselves.

Anyone who believes that the HMOs and the big money health insurance companies are doing a better job of managing our health care than the government ever could can go fuck themselves.

Anyone who is an elected member of Congress, Senate, any appointed member of the Cabinet or anyone serving in any branch of the military – all of whom enjoy free health care on our dime – who is opposed to national health care can go fuck themselves.

Anyone who thinks that health care is a privilege, and not a basic human right, can go fuck themselves.

Oh, and this woman and anyone who agrees with her can definitely go fuck themselves.

So, I spent 165 precious minutes watching “The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button” last night, and let me tell you folks, you can take it right out of your Netflix queue right now.

With all due respect to F. Scott Fitzgerald, let me sum it up for you – have you seen Forrest Gump?

Yes?  Good, then you’ve already seen a movie about some fucked up kid from the South who was wandering around aimlessly in life during some of history’s most pivotal moments, whose mother rattled off equally trite and annoying Hallmark sentiments, and who loved some douche-bag of a girl who didn’t deserve his affections.

No, you haven’t seen The Gump?  Then I envy you.

Just go rent something else, anything else.

Gone to the dogs.

August 16, 2009

Can someone please explain the reasoning and logic behind the idea of inviting an animal to live in one’s home?

Let me get this straight – millions of human beings have animals living in their homes – animals who will willfully destroy said humans’ property, who shit, piss, puke and sleep all over said humans’ flooring.  Dogs, cats, rabbits, mice, rats, snakes, lizards – you name it.  I just don’t get it.

Hey, I find puppies and kittens as cute as anyone else with half a heart.  But to invite one of these monsters to LIVE in my house?  Shit on my old newspapers?  Eat processed food from a bowl on the floor?  I can’t imagine it.

I grew up with animals in my house, and you know what?  The dogs and cats would shit and piss and puke all over the house.  Except in one place – my bedroom.  Wanna know why?  Because I kept my bedroom door shut at all times.  Keep the fuckers out.

But I LOVE animals.  In fact, I love them so much that I don’t even eat them or anything that comes from them.  And I also love them so much that I don’t want to keep them domesticated or enslaved in any way, including for companionship.  Why would I want, for instance, to keep a bird in a cage in my house?  Because he has pretty feathers, or because he can whistle a tune on command?  That’s so fucking selfish.

Pet owners – make your case.  Are you really willing to put up with the smell of ass for the sake of some Pavlovian loyalty?  And don’t compare dogs and cats to children or I will bitch-slap you.