My deepest apologies, faithful readers, for my long absence.  I can assure you that my vitriol is not in short supply; rather, it is my time which suffers that tragic yet commonplace malady.  Without further ado…

I can tell you all the things that Tiger Woods is.   He’s a professional golfer, he’s a multi-millionaire, he’s a celebrity.  But folks, I can also tell you what he’s not – and he ain’t no sex addict.

Here’s the scoop – the guy got caught cheating on his wife with a bunch of skanky women and then realized that his endorsements and his fan club would dry up if he didn’t do something to resurrect his squeaky-clean image, so he did what so many other men in a similar pinch have tried to do – play the “I can’t help it” card.  “I’m addicted, I couldn’t help myself”, blah blah blah.

Don’t get me wrong, here – I couldn’t give a shit about his marriage or his infidelities.  I get that we are all walking that fine line between “animal” and what we call “human”.  I believe I’ve proven that.  I’m not offended by any of that.  What offends me is the bullshit campaign he’s running.  Checking into sex rehab?  Puh-leeze.  Half of America should be in sex rehab, if you believe Tiger’s line.  Don’t be fooled – he is no victim here.  He’s a human mammal, plain and simple, with urges and desires like all the rest of us, he indulged, he got reckless and stupid and got caught.  End of story, folks.  The only thing he is a victim of is his endocrine system.  So you’re not perfect after all?  Join the club, Tiger.

While watching the mind-numbing goodness of prime-time network television the other night, I was struck by one of many ads for pills that will release men (and women) from the embarrassing bonds of erectile dysfunction.  We’ve all heard and seen these ads repeatedly unless, of course, you are a granola-eating backpacker who has eschewed the modernity and soul-sucking nature of television and, hell, technology in general – in which case, you’re likely not even reading this to begin with – so in that case, to hell with you.  You don’t know what you’re missing!  Literally!

Anyway, as I was saying, I actually chose to stay right where I was in front of the television and view this commercial, during which The Nice Man said things like “Talk to your doctor if you experience an erection lasting longer than 4 hours.”  Can you even imagine this conversation?

Guy:  Excuse me, doc, I gotta talk to you.

Doc:  Go ahead, son.  (He’s an old doctor who calls everyone “son”.)

Guy:  Well, I’ve got this problem with my, well…

Doc:  Have you tried the Viagra sample I sent home with you last time?

Guy:  Yeah, that’s just it, though.  My erection lasted, well…

Doc:  (leans in closer) Yes..?

Guy:  It lasted longer than 4 hours.

Doc:  Oh, I see.

Seriously, folks, what needs to be said here?  What can the doctor say?  “Well, ask her if she’s still in the mood”?  “Hire a hooker”?  “Call your kids’ babysitter”?  What’s the problem here?  Sounds like a party waiting – BEGGING – to happen!

But the thing that The Nice Man says in the ad that tickles me the most, the statement that prompted this post, is this one:

“Ask if you are healthy enough for sexual activity.”

Is this a question that ANYONE in the history of the human species, especially the MALES of this species, have ever even ONCE imagined, let alone asked of themselves or of anyone?

Forget the conversation with good ol’ doc.  He’ll tell you to eat right and exercise, right?  Sounds like a hot date to me!  But imagine that conversation with self:

Ego:  Am I healthy enough for sexual activity?

Id:  Fuck the girl fuck the girl fuck the girl

Super Ego:  Is my heart not strong enough for this?  Am I in prime physical shape?

Id:  Fuck the girl fuck the girl fuck the girl

Which voice wins?  You got it.  The good ol’ Id.  Thanks, William Golding.

Fucking is natural and fun and unstoppable and NO one gives a shit whether their heart is about to explode or not when they’re horny.

So, next time you see a Viagra ad on TV, just have a nice laugh at The Nice Man.  Sounds like he needs a pill or two of something stronger than they serve in the ad agency’s minibar.

Up here in Maine, there will be a legislative session on April 28th to deal with a bill that would legalize gay marriage in this state.  There was a big hearing this week at the Augusta Civic Center, where supporters of the bill were all dressed in red (to symbolize love?  out for blood? who knows..).

On the local news after the hearing, I heard an old man step up to the microphone and say, “Well, I don’t mean any harm to these people, but, no.. marriage is for a man and a woman.”

I know I’ve written about this before, but I really can’t understand the logic of not allowing gays the right to marry.

Would someone please logically explain to me why gay people shouldn’t be able to marry one another.  Don’t say it’s because they can’t procreate.  Fuck that argument.  That would be akin to telling post-menopausal women, women who have had hysterectomies, and any and all infertile heterosexuals that they can’t get married, either.   So that argument is out the window.

So, it’s because the bible says it’s wrong?  Some friggin’ book? Where does it actually say that?  I think that whole bit in Leviticus is taken out of context.  Think about it.  When those words were scribed, disease was rampant – personal hygiene was nearly impossible in the searing hot desert, with everyone living in close quarters with other humans, with animals, with unrefrigerated meat.  Anal sex was frowned on, as was eating the flesh of certain animals – not because, I don’t think, because of any moral implications, but simply because it was literally unclean.  They were trying to preserve human life by cutting down on the spread of disease as much as they could.  Makes sense.  So, in the sanitized 21st century, I think we can safely do without the puritanical witch-hunts.  Another argument fucked!

Some say it makes a mockery of the institution of marriage.  And how, exactly, does this occur?  How does the gay couple, paying their taxes and cleaning the garage and mowing the lawn and having sex and eating dinner and watching TV, living next door to a straight couple doing all the same shit make a bit of difference to the institution of marriage?  Oh yeah, the “building block of civilization” argument.  Hey, not everyone gets married just to have kids.  Some people get married because *GASP* they love each other and want to build a life together, in whatever form that takes.  Some have kids.  Some don’t.  Some work together.  Some start a business together.  Some love their pets.  I don’t need to belabor the point.  The institution of marriage is different for every married couple.  So fuck that argument, too.

And let’s drop the “gay agenda” and “recruitment” arguments, too.  If anyone has an agenda, it’s the religious nutcases, who want have a monopoly on all things pertaining to human sexuality and morality – basically, they wanna control your every movement and tell you what to think and when to think it, in exchange for a tenth of your income.  Talk about an agenda!

And definitely FUCK the argument that says, “We gotta keep the gays away from kids, because they’ll molest them.”  If I could legally put bullets in the heads of the assholes who believe this kind of shit, I might consider it.

Let’s be honest – it’s all about genitalia, isn’t it?  Come on now.  Penises and pussies.  That’s what this WHOLE friggin’ debate is about – what are people doing with their genitals?  Bunch of fucking voyeurs that we are.  I can’t imagine a more grotesque invasion of privacy than a collective, societal fixation on the goings-on of the individual human’s genitalia.  You, opponent of gay marriage, say you can’t understand how one man could want to fuck another man?  Well, they just as equally can’t understand why you would wanna fuck some woman.  Me, I don’t give two shits about what Adam and Bruce are doing next door in their bedroom.  Why should anyone give a damn?  It’s their business, not anyone else’s.

What should we uphold – a committed gay relationship, or a couple of drunk straight twenty-somethings who get married on a whim by an Elvis impersonator in Vegas?  I mean, come on.

Shit, let ’em marry.  Then they can grow to resent one another, withhold sex and be miserable like all the other married people I know.

Now I’ve seen everything.

October 14, 2008

By some unfortunate series of events, I found myself at home the other day, watching that new daytime show called “The Doctors.” One of their guests was an ill-fated attractive woman in her 40s who had never experienced an orgasm.  Ever.  In her life.  Damn. That’s gotta suck.

But what really got my attention was another guest, named Heather, who suffered from something called PGAD, which stands for Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder.

To which I said, “Huh?  The fuck is that?”

Here are Heather’s symptoms: She is sexually aroused throughout each and every day for apparently no reason.  She is compelled – morning, noon and night – to masturbate.  Not only to masturbate, but to have 3 consecutive orgasms each time she masturbates.  Somehow, this has completely wrecked her marriage and her life.  She doesn’t even want to leave the house anymore.

The good doctor explained that there were certain areas of the brain, blah blah blah.

OK, hold the phone here.  You’re telling me that the urge to jerk off frequently is now some sort of serious medical condition?  I thought it was called boredom.

According to a website I found on this matter, PGAD is primarily experienced by women, has no known cause or cure.  Imagine that.  Oh, but I’m sure the pharmaceutical companies will launch some new pill for it soon. Maybe they’ll call it “Orgastrol”.   Imagine the TV ads for that disorder – you thought the ones for Restless Legs Syndrome were funny!  (At least I thought they were.)

Anyone out there suffering from this same sort of disorder?  Pardon me for making such light of it – I don’t know about you all, but I think most teenagers (and many adult men) suffer from this “malady”, don’t you?

I’m not sure who elected this woman to be the moral compass for all of humanity – oh wait, she appointed herself (must be a religious nut – that complex seems to run rampant among the devout) – but JoAn Karkos has been causing quite a stir with her little crusade against the children’s book “It’s Perfectly Normal” by award-winning children’s author Robie Harris.

Karkos, a tax-paying resident of the city of Lewiston, Maine, walked into both the Auburn and Lewiston public libraries last year and checked out their copies of this book, with no intention of ever returning them.  In fact, she was quite forthright about this – she wrote a letter to each library, included a check to each to cover the cost of the books, and claimed that the books are pornographic, and that they should not be read by anyone.

Wouldn’t that be like me shoplifting an ugly pair of pants from a store, then sending the store a note and check for them?  (P.S. I’m a total fucking smegtard.)

Her note to Rick Speer, director of the Lewiston Public Library, reads as follows:

Mr. Rick Speer,

It is with great disappointment to discover that American Public Libraries do not have adequate discernment of books appropriate for youth to read.”

It’s Perfectly Normal” is a book I rented from both the Lewiston and the Auburn public libraries. As warned, the book is extremely offensive to the dignity of person hood. Since I have been sufficiently horrified of the illustrations and the sexually graphic amoral abnormal contents, I will not be returning the books. Therefore, enclosed to your library is a ckeck for $20.95, the cost plus tax for purchase price of the book.

I suspect the overseers who reason what is acceptable for youth to read might not be interested in my detailed list of objections to this so-called children’s material — this is unacceptable material that even adults find offensive. However, feel free to contact me if you desire.

JoAnn Karkos

She has, of course, ignited a huge media circus in Maine, or what accounts for a media circus in such a rural place.  As of this writing, a judge has ordered Karkos to pay $100 in fines and to return the book by Friday, August 29th at 4 p.m., or she will be arrested.

I am quite certain that this woman believes she is a modern-day civilly disobedient Thoreau wannabe; she even said as much as she was leaving the courtroom.

OK, I’m all for people sticking their neck out for what they believe.  But this woman is just plain nuts, believing that she is doing god’s work by stirring up all this controversy – which, ironically, has only sparked more interest in this book. (Fervor isn’t always thought out well by those in the midst of it. )

Doesn’t this wrinkled woman understand that most kids know all this shit already?  That every ride on the school bus can be a sort of sex ed lesson, talking about pee-pees and hearing all the older kids in back talk about blow jobs and hand jobs and you name it?  Where would she prefer that children get their sex ed, from the fucking Bible, which advocates incest and rape?  Where’s the dignity in that?  In her own words, Karkos says that “bashfulness is a natural protection for children… and when that is violated, they’re much more open to predators.”  A book is violating some sense of bashfulness? What fucking planet is she living on??  I’d say that the kid who doesn’t know shit about sex and doesn’t really know what is OK or not OK for them is, most likely, a child of religious wackos and/or an altar boy, who’s never been talked to about it by their red-faced parents and is more open to predators than those kids who know what’s up and are in touch with their bodies and their feelings.  If any entity has ever attached shame to sexuality, the all-time winner would be religion, period.  Wouldn’t we rather that the facts about sex and sexuality be presented plainly, and let all the dumbshit parents of the world inject their own sense of morality into it, whatever the flavor might be, without imposing that morality on the rest of us, for chrissake??

I am torn, because as much as I’d like to see this bifocaled bitch should get thrown in the slammer for being more dangerous to society than all of the drug dealers already unfortunate enough to be in there – I also think that because this woman wants to go to jail in some public stand in defense of morality (ho hum), then she shouldn’t be given that satisfaction.

What d’y’all think?

Neo-cons gone wild.

June 7, 2008

Once in a while, I’ll turn on conservative talk radio to get an idea of what the wacko conservatives currently have their nuts in a bunch about. Much to my surprise, Friday night, loud mouth talk jock Rusty Humphries was interviewing Joe Francis, the founder and CEO of Girls Gone Wild. Joe was discussing his recent jailing, a jailing that was enforced illegally and unconstitutionally by the hands of some corrupt officials in Panama City, Florida. You can read the whole story here: http://www.meetjoefrancis.com/legalstory/

First of all, it was quite a shock that Joe would be given as much friendly air time on red state radio as I heard last night – I tuned in in progress and heard about 20 minutes of what remained. Most of the conversation was spent discussing the particulars of his case, which you can read at the above link. True to form, however, Rusty got his little jab in at the end (of course, leading into the top-of-the-hour break) about how this type of entertainment exploits women. If there was more to the interview, I didn’t hear it, and I’m admittedly too lazy to seek out any archived footage.

But here’s the deal – does pornography and other adult entertainment exploit women and sexuality in general? Absolutely it does! No question about it. (Don’t record companies exploit musicians and songwriters, and movie studios exploit actors in the same way?) But there are women lying up around the block to be photographed for Playboy, or to fuck in front of a camera, or to flash their tits for Girls Gone Wild. These are all activities that women seek out. Willfully!! And why is that? Well, I don’t know. Maybe it’s fun and exciting and liberating. Maybe it’s good money. Maybe they’re young and they love their bodies and they just want to show them off. I mean, why not? I think it really is that simple. As a society, we exploit sexuality in lots of subtle ways – TV commercials, print advertising, you name it. So, why not a little NON-subtle exploitation? For the sake of sheer pleasure? I’ll drink to that!

Are there instances in which women are forced or otherwise coerced to perform sexually for the camera, instances in which they are exploited in the very vilest form? Of course, and those instances should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. But come on – some tight young “aspiring actress” looking for some Hefner cash, or a couple of college girls showering together during spring break? I thought this was a free country.

But the neo-cons and the bible-thumpers can’t stand idly by and allow people to fully express themselves sexually, or even to sit at home on a Friday night and jerk off to Wildest Bar in America. And did you ever notice, on Fox News especially, that whenever some playbook neo-con talking head is railing against the attacks on family values, they show all kinds of sexy clips on their B-roll? Check out this video if you don’t believe me:

And speaking of immorality – isn’t there something a little immoral about someone who bases their moral code on a book that advocates slavery and incest having any say whatsoever in my private affairs?

Recovering Catholics.

June 3, 2008

You’ve heard the old joke, “I’m a recovering Catholic”, but the joke is turning sour – especially in this day and age of uncovering deceits and lies that have kept hidden the horrors and abuses committed by the hands of pious, “celibate” Catholic priests.

I’m not about to tell you anything you don’t already know – that the Catholic church’s choice to move known abusers to other parishes is the most egregious abuse of trust and power that can be imagined; that millions of tax-free dollars have been spent in order to make this all happen; that even more millions of dollars have been shelled out in legal settlements, which will never fully help these poor victims fully heal from their scars and traumas.

What I want to address is the core of the matter, that which you will not soon hear anyone in the mainstream media even dare to mention – why does there seem to be such an epidemic of child sexual abuse at the hands of Catholic priests? Why is it that one is not surprised to hear about another scandal when they so frequently appear?

I think it’s rather obvious and simple: religion, particularly Catholicism, has an obsessive need to control and, in the case of the clergy, suppress the sexual instinct. Catholic priests are asked to unnaturally bury their very healthy and natural sexual urges and desires in order to be more “pure”, to have a closer communion with god. However, the experiment has so obviously backfired – the more fervently you try to hide or deny the sex drive, the uglier it will be when it finally manifests.

Why do we not hear of Buddhist monks sexual molesting young children? Perhaps it happens; I’ve not yet found any account of such. The Buddhist “faith” (if you can really call it that, but that’s another matter) doesn’t seek to deny any feeling or instinct; rather, the aim, through mindful meditation, is to fully acknowledge and then transform that sexual energy to be used in another way.

The Catholic church would be wise to face the reality of human sexuality sooner rather than later – before more young lives are irrevocably scarred.