My deepest apologies, faithful readers, for my long absence.  I can assure you that my vitriol is not in short supply; rather, it is my time which suffers that tragic yet commonplace malady.  Without further ado…

I can tell you all the things that Tiger Woods is.   He’s a professional golfer, he’s a multi-millionaire, he’s a celebrity.  But folks, I can also tell you what he’s not – and he ain’t no sex addict.

Here’s the scoop – the guy got caught cheating on his wife with a bunch of skanky women and then realized that his endorsements and his fan club would dry up if he didn’t do something to resurrect his squeaky-clean image, so he did what so many other men in a similar pinch have tried to do – play the “I can’t help it” card.  “I’m addicted, I couldn’t help myself”, blah blah blah.

Don’t get me wrong, here – I couldn’t give a shit about his marriage or his infidelities.  I get that we are all walking that fine line between “animal” and what we call “human”.  I believe I’ve proven that.  I’m not offended by any of that.  What offends me is the bullshit campaign he’s running.  Checking into sex rehab?  Puh-leeze.  Half of America should be in sex rehab, if you believe Tiger’s line.  Don’t be fooled – he is no victim here.  He’s a human mammal, plain and simple, with urges and desires like all the rest of us, he indulged, he got reckless and stupid and got caught.  End of story, folks.  The only thing he is a victim of is his endocrine system.  So you’re not perfect after all?  Join the club, Tiger.

There has been a fierce debate in my state of Maine lately, about – what else? – gay marriage.  Our Guvna recently signed into law the equality in marriage that our gay neighbors deserve, and then the bible-thumpers got enough sheep to sign their little petitions to present the following referendum question on next month’s ballot:

Do you want to reject the new law that lets same-sex couples marry and allows individuals and religious groups to refuse to perform these marriages?

The “yes on 1” people have turned this into a scare-tactic fest, with warnings of “teaching homosexuality in the schools” if the law stands.  What the fuck are these people smoking?

If you’re a regular to this blog, then you already know how I feel about gay marriage.   But I’ve been thinking about these Yes on 1 wackos quite a lot lately, as they infiltrate my living room with the slime oozing out from my TV set.

Let me get this straight, good Christians – you believe that every human being has a soul and, depending on how one conducts their life, the soul will leave one’s physical body and go to heaven or to hell.  One of the motivations you have as good Christians in this gay marriage debate is to save these poor, sinful homos from themselves and try to help them see the error of their despicable ways.  Man shall not lie down with man, blah blah blah.

Each of us is born as either male or female (or sometimes a little of both).   If I understand the Christian way of thinking (Christian thinking, now there’s an oxymoron for you) then the soul of each person is also either male or female.  (Must be so – why else would these religious wackos have their knickers in such a twist?)  So, good Christians, riddle me this – what about those people who have a sex change operation?  What about a woman who lives her life as a lesbian, then has a sex change operation to become a man and then marries a woman?  I personally know one such person for whom this has been life’s lot.   Did this person change the gender of their soul?  Could one argue that this woman saw the sinfulness of her ways living as a lesbian and decided to become a heterosexual man?  Is this person going to heaven or hell when he/she dies?  And will the soul of this person be as it was from birth, or at the time of death?   If the physical and the spiritual are separate, then fornication and other such activities of human genitalia are of no importance, or they shouldn’t be.

It’s ridiculous, ain’t it?  Ah yes, just another of the myriad ways in which we can all see how silly and ignorant and backwards it is that we have allowed government to be more important than love.  So let’s keep Big Brother and his bible out of the bedroom already, alright?

Gay-cationland.

May 7, 2009

(Sorry, I couldn’t resist it. )

You know, as much as I complain sometimes about my beloved state of Maine – snow on the ground 6 months out of the year, very rural, little culture, lousy job market, high taxes, an outrageous rate of alcoholism (including the highest per-capita consumption of Allen’s coffee-flavored brandy in the nation) – sometimes, we get things right around here.

Gov. John Baldacci finally came to his senses and signed into law the bill that will legalize gay marriage in this state.  The Democrat was, at one time, very much opposed to gay marriage (’cause he’s a Catholic – big surprise there) but he finally realized, as he put, that this was about “fairness”.  His words: “I have come to believe that this is a question of fairness and of equal protection under the law, and that a civil union is not equal to civil marriage.” Right-o!

Of course, all the religious wackos are already promising to launch a petition drive to put a people’s veto referendum on the ballot.  What the fuck is it with these people?  They really think that some god “up there” gives a damn about what people do with their genitalia?  Are we really living in a world where the idea of privacy, in the minds of the devout, is completely null and void, and that they have the divine authority to reinterpret the words of a few sand-strewn scribes from a previous era to whom the wheelbarrow was a major technological feat and use those reinterpreted words to hideously invade the most private and most basic of human functions?  Honestly, I just don’t get it with these nutcases.

Well, for now at least, I’ll be thrilled to see gay couples lining up to get their marriage licenses.  (Hey!  Those licenses cost money.  So do weddings and all the bells and whistles that go along with them.  And that’s good for the economy.  Sounds like a win-win to me.)  Maine’s neighbors to the west in New Hampshire are finally waking up, too.  Gov. Lynch, another Democrat, has been on the fence on this, and still is as of this writing, even as the passed bill sits on his desk awaiting his signature.  Let’s hope that reason and fairness will win out once again.

Up here in Maine, there will be a legislative session on April 28th to deal with a bill that would legalize gay marriage in this state.  There was a big hearing this week at the Augusta Civic Center, where supporters of the bill were all dressed in red (to symbolize love?  out for blood? who knows..).

On the local news after the hearing, I heard an old man step up to the microphone and say, “Well, I don’t mean any harm to these people, but, no.. marriage is for a man and a woman.”

I know I’ve written about this before, but I really can’t understand the logic of not allowing gays the right to marry.

Would someone please logically explain to me why gay people shouldn’t be able to marry one another.  Don’t say it’s because they can’t procreate.  Fuck that argument.  That would be akin to telling post-menopausal women, women who have had hysterectomies, and any and all infertile heterosexuals that they can’t get married, either.   So that argument is out the window.

So, it’s because the bible says it’s wrong?  Some friggin’ book? Where does it actually say that?  I think that whole bit in Leviticus is taken out of context.  Think about it.  When those words were scribed, disease was rampant – personal hygiene was nearly impossible in the searing hot desert, with everyone living in close quarters with other humans, with animals, with unrefrigerated meat.  Anal sex was frowned on, as was eating the flesh of certain animals – not because, I don’t think, because of any moral implications, but simply because it was literally unclean.  They were trying to preserve human life by cutting down on the spread of disease as much as they could.  Makes sense.  So, in the sanitized 21st century, I think we can safely do without the puritanical witch-hunts.  Another argument fucked!

Some say it makes a mockery of the institution of marriage.  And how, exactly, does this occur?  How does the gay couple, paying their taxes and cleaning the garage and mowing the lawn and having sex and eating dinner and watching TV, living next door to a straight couple doing all the same shit make a bit of difference to the institution of marriage?  Oh yeah, the “building block of civilization” argument.  Hey, not everyone gets married just to have kids.  Some people get married because *GASP* they love each other and want to build a life together, in whatever form that takes.  Some have kids.  Some don’t.  Some work together.  Some start a business together.  Some love their pets.  I don’t need to belabor the point.  The institution of marriage is different for every married couple.  So fuck that argument, too.

And let’s drop the “gay agenda” and “recruitment” arguments, too.  If anyone has an agenda, it’s the religious nutcases, who want have a monopoly on all things pertaining to human sexuality and morality – basically, they wanna control your every movement and tell you what to think and when to think it, in exchange for a tenth of your income.  Talk about an agenda!

And definitely FUCK the argument that says, “We gotta keep the gays away from kids, because they’ll molest them.”  If I could legally put bullets in the heads of the assholes who believe this kind of shit, I might consider it.

Let’s be honest – it’s all about genitalia, isn’t it?  Come on now.  Penises and pussies.  That’s what this WHOLE friggin’ debate is about – what are people doing with their genitals?  Bunch of fucking voyeurs that we are.  I can’t imagine a more grotesque invasion of privacy than a collective, societal fixation on the goings-on of the individual human’s genitalia.  You, opponent of gay marriage, say you can’t understand how one man could want to fuck another man?  Well, they just as equally can’t understand why you would wanna fuck some woman.  Me, I don’t give two shits about what Adam and Bruce are doing next door in their bedroom.  Why should anyone give a damn?  It’s their business, not anyone else’s.

What should we uphold – a committed gay relationship, or a couple of drunk straight twenty-somethings who get married on a whim by an Elvis impersonator in Vegas?  I mean, come on.

Shit, let ’em marry.  Then they can grow to resent one another, withhold sex and be miserable like all the other married people I know.

I’ve stumbled upon an organization called Truth Wins Out, who, according to their website, are “fighting right wing lies and the ‘ex-gay’ fraud”.  Sounds good to me.  I found one of their videos on good ol’ YouTube, and I was nearly moved to tears when I watched it today.  It is revolting – yet not at all surprising – that the Mormon church (among others) has encouraged gay people to marry someone of the opposite sex in an effort to “cure” them of their homosexuality.  Lester and Barbara Leavitt have a much different, much sadder story to tell.  As you’ll see in the video, “isn’t it time we stopped destroying families in the name of Family Values?”  For lack of a better word, amen to that.

Hyphenate this!

June 28, 2008

Another thing I don’t get – why, in this day and age, are women still changing their last names when they get married?

Historically, women changed their names upon marriage to reflect a change of ownership: women were considered property of their fathers until they became the property of their husbands.  Clearly (or hopefully!) we don’t live in such times any longer, with the exception of some pockets of ultra-conservative religious wing-nuts.

So why do so many women still do this? Without question? Is it because it’s what their mothers did, and they don’t want to seem like some sort of femi-nazi? Is it at the request of their husbands, or parents or in-laws, who require this familial homogeny? Is it because these women won’t know how to name their children? Or, more likely, it’s just another one of those “things that people do” that are never questioned, never held up to any amount of scrutiny or inquiry.

(On a side, trivial note, speaking of names – Frank Zappa and his wife named one of their sons Dweezil, but the hospital refused to put this name on the birth certificate, which instead was issued to read “Ian Donald Calvin Euclid Zappa”. When Dweezil was 7, his parents asked him what he wanted his “real” name to be, at which point, of course, he chose the name he knew – the name his parents chose – and a new birth certificate was legally issued. I highly recommend Zappa by Barry Miles for this and many more fascinating details about Frank’s wild life.)

You can also read an interesting (and old) article by Katie Roiphe about this very topic that you can find here.

As the name of my blog has suggested all along, this topic is one of many on a long list of things which should be doubted, questioned, and reexamined. I’d love to hear from married women who opted for this choice, and to hear their reasoning for it.

Thanks to Rodney Anonymous for sharing this little nugget.

“Um, uh, um, gays is just wrong.”