Truth in adverse-tising.

January 7, 2010

Commercials.  They really, really suck.  They loudly disrupt our television viewing and they subliminally suggest to all of us what we need to purchase so that we can be whole, happy, and not suck any longer.  We are constantly bombarded with images of cookies, razors, jeans, candy bars, investment banks, and so on.  But you know, there are some products we, strangely enough, don’t ever see ads for on TV.  Here are a few examples:

1.  String.  (Steven Wright has famously opined on this, so I won’t belabor the point.)

2.  Douche.   (Do women even use this shit anymore?)

3.  Canned tomatoes.  (Not spaghetti sauce, not pizza sauce – I’m talking good ol’ diced tomatoes.  A staple in any decent kitchen cupboard.)

4.  Knitting needles.  (There are lots of old women and hippie dippies making their own sweaters and shit.)

5.  Fingernail clippers.  (We all use ’em – well, except maybe this woman.)

6.  Dog leashes.  (Some dogs are pretty fuckin’ strong.)

7.  Sandpaper.  (There’s good sandpaper, and then there’s cheap-ass-eats-through-quickly-and-ruins-your-fingers sandpaper.)

8.  Towels.  (Think of all those nauseating ads for toilet paper.  What about towels, the softness of which we so deserve and should demand?)

Are there some products that simply don’t need to be advertised?  Products whose manufacturers have cornered their particular market and now nothing more needs to be said about them?  Why, then, must we be subjected to ads extolling the virtues of mountain fresh Clorox bleach?

Let me know which products you think are strangely absent from Commercial Land.  Go get a life – but keep reading this blog!

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4 Responses to “Truth in adverse-tising.”

  1. Kate Says:

    First of all Minds, I’m surprised to hear you even watch television! Naturally, unless you only watch PBS, you can not avoid the commercials, which yes. Suck.

    Sometimes I watch a channel called RFDTV, and they have ads for things like vitamins for horses and cowboy clothes. I bet you’d find an ad for dog leashes on Animal Planet, and an ad for sandpaper on the DIY channel during a home improvement show. And I thought I still saw ads for douches (though I can’t imagine anyone does use those anymore!), but perhaps, sadly, they’ve just been etched in my mind from my youth. I still like to describe offending assholes by that word, with “bag” at the end. It’s really the perfect fit at times… but I digress…

    When I first moved to Maine, I got a laugh out of all the local commercials. Now, I dare say, I’m used to the LEVINSKY’s ads!

    Things I haven’t seen an ad for?

    Windshield wiper fluid (though, who knows, perhaps on some “NASCAR channel?”)

    It just occurred to me. The weird things like canned tomatoes and string and towels? They do show up in magazines.

  2. Minds Erased Says:

    Welcome aboard Kate!

    I don’t subscribe to cable so, alas, I am missing out on all the good stuff. Heh. Don’t read too many magazines, either, at least not ones that would contain ads for tomatoes and shit like that. And indeed, where are the ads for windshield wiper fluid? Inquiring minds want to know so that we can make fun of said ads.

    Yes, the words “douche” and “bag” often conjoin in my vocabulary as well. 😉

  3. Life with Butterbean Says:

    Ha! I’m imagining the poor newbie ad writer whose first assignment is writing a ‘grab ’em and don’t let ’em go’ ad for fingernail clippers. Eeeww. They could run it right after that ad for the foot skin scraper thing. Blech….

    String yes, and rubber bands, paper clips and umbrellas, belts, toasters, celery and lettuce (there’s an ‘egg council’ and a ‘dairy board’, why no ‘green veggies’ union?).

  4. Minds Erased Says:

    Hey LWB! Nice to see you back in the blogosphere. Yes indeed, an appearance from a green veggies union would be a nice counterpart to those bloody beef council ads.


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