To screw or not to screw?

July 30, 2009

While watching the mind-numbing goodness of prime-time network television the other night, I was struck by one of many ads for pills that will release men (and women) from the embarrassing bonds of erectile dysfunction.  We’ve all heard and seen these ads repeatedly unless, of course, you are a granola-eating backpacker who has eschewed the modernity and soul-sucking nature of television and, hell, technology in general – in which case, you’re likely not even reading this to begin with – so in that case, to hell with you.  You don’t know what you’re missing!  Literally!

Anyway, as I was saying, I actually chose to stay right where I was in front of the television and view this commercial, during which The Nice Man said things like “Talk to your doctor if you experience an erection lasting longer than 4 hours.”  Can you even imagine this conversation?

Guy:  Excuse me, doc, I gotta talk to you.

Doc:  Go ahead, son.  (He’s an old doctor who calls everyone “son”.)

Guy:  Well, I’ve got this problem with my, well…

Doc:  Have you tried the Viagra sample I sent home with you last time?

Guy:  Yeah, that’s just it, though.  My erection lasted, well…

Doc:  (leans in closer) Yes..?

Guy:  It lasted longer than 4 hours.

Doc:  Oh, I see.

Seriously, folks, what needs to be said here?  What can the doctor say?  “Well, ask her if she’s still in the mood”?  “Hire a hooker”?  “Call your kids’ babysitter”?  What’s the problem here?  Sounds like a party waiting – BEGGING – to happen!

But the thing that The Nice Man says in the ad that tickles me the most, the statement that prompted this post, is this one:

“Ask if you are healthy enough for sexual activity.”

Is this a question that ANYONE in the history of the human species, especially the MALES of this species, have ever even ONCE imagined, let alone asked of themselves or of anyone?

Forget the conversation with good ol’ doc.  He’ll tell you to eat right and exercise, right?  Sounds like a hot date to me!  But imagine that conversation with self:

Ego:  Am I healthy enough for sexual activity?

Id:  Fuck the girl fuck the girl fuck the girl

Super Ego:  Is my heart not strong enough for this?  Am I in prime physical shape?

Id:  Fuck the girl fuck the girl fuck the girl

Which voice wins?  You got it.  The good ol’ Id.  Thanks, William Golding.

Fucking is natural and fun and unstoppable and NO one gives a shit whether their heart is about to explode or not when they’re horny.

So, next time you see a Viagra ad on TV, just have a nice laugh at The Nice Man.  Sounds like he needs a pill or two of something stronger than they serve in the ad agency’s minibar.

3 Responses to “To screw or not to screw?”

  1. Mardé Says:

    Minds, you blow my minds with this one! I was just discussing this “erection lasting longer than four hours” bit with an old colleague of mine and asking “What’s to complain?”. Well, I suppose it’s serious. It’s amazing how in your face with a straight face these ads are, especially on the sports networks. Methinks they’ve become laughing stocks in all the polite and not so polite living rooms across America — while the ids start revving up.

  2. Life with Butterbean Says:

    These ads are killing me!! I will admit (anonymously here of course) that I am a soap opera fan and look forward to my daily fix of the Young and the Restless. Most days though I miss it on TV and will watch it online after everyone has gone to bed in the evening. When you watch online the program is periodically interrupted (usually about 5 or 6 times in 38 minutes) by some advertisement. Lately it has been Viagra ads – all 5 or 6 ads and all repeats. That sappy guy that takes his lovely wife to the deserted island with the rustic cabin. I can’t help but think of my parents and wonder (shudder)…..

    Have you seen the commercial for the ladies razor??? The lovely young woman walks into her bathroom headed for the shower and passes by a strategically placed bush that is neatly trimmed to a simple inverted ‘v’ pattern! The first time I saw this I thought I imagined it, but no! I was right!!!

    Who says Americans are prudes???? 😉

  3. Minds Erased Says:

    Yes, LWB, I have seen those commercials. It is very very subtle, but the message is clear – the pubes have got to go!

    I will not hold it against you that you watch soap operas. Everyone is need of some form of mindless, brainless entertainment. In that regard, my weakness is Wheel Of Fortune. C’est la vie.

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